Those have so frequently become the first words out of my mouth.
Someone else bumps into me? I’m sorry.
A migraine presents itself and I cancel plans? I’m sorry.
I make a mistake at work and someone brings it up? I’m sorry.
These two little words have been making me feel small my whole life. They put me into a tiny little package where I could feel safe and I stayed there. Sorry for my existence and my presence. Those words along with my illnesses have had a huge effect on my mental health over the years.
About a year ago I started replacing every possible “I’m sorry” with “Thank You” and I found that it not only improved my attitude in conversations but the other person’s as well.
They have been less defensive and much more willing to work with me when things get dicey. I deal with property managers for a living and this little trick makes my life so much easier. When a cleaner or painter makes a mistake, “thank you for your communication, it really makes a difference”. Their whole body changes and they instantly know their importance again.
When I need to cancel plans because I’m in pain I say, “Thank you for your understanding.” Pain still drives people away faster than making mistakes. And there will always be people who think you should apologize.
But my pain will never go away. My journey to finding answers to lessen my pain will never go away, and I will always have side effects.
My aunt literally didn’t talk to me for A YEAR because she was under the impression that I lied to her. Which I hadn’t.
My best friend in college stopped talking to me because there was a mix up in plans while going to a concert on campus so we didn’t get to walk to the on-campus event together, and I had the AUDACITY to still enjoy myself with my other friend there. I’m OK that she left.
My immediate family has a habit of just being silent while angry. This is not an effective way of “not being angry” which is what everyone thinks they are doing. They give looks and turn their backs which has instilled a large amount of anxiety in me and has taken HOURS of therapy to figure out why.
Currently, I am not being talked to by my dad’s entire side of the family for a reason still unknown to me. My mother is also mad at me because I am putting more time into my boyfriend, whom I live with, than I was before.
I’m 23. I have a full-time job, and I haven’t lived with her since I was 17 when I figured out the abusive tendencies that she was exhibiting.
Another best friend for EIGHT YEARS walked away from me because in her words she was too anxious to make conversation with my boyfriend. Meanwhile, I had been putting up with her drug addict of a boyfriend for nearly all eight years we had known each other. Now, I believe in anxiety and all other mental health issues, but if you can sit in someone’s house and speak only to the person who doesn’t even live there the whole time. That’s more than anxiety, I don’t even know what to call it. We stopped speaking almost six months ago and I haven’t missed her even once, which speaks to my own mental health issues. But I’m ok that she left.
Because of examples like these, I tend not to get too attached to people. I just left a job that I had been at for a year and a half, and I literally miss like three people. It was a coaching job where I worked with the same group of kids for nine weeks at a time and I literally miss the kids.
I’ve learned that the important people, the people that I actually want in my life, will not leave for trivial things.
It’s OK, and probably for the better, that those people left. I’m with people who care about me and I literally have people who I have known for six months just giving me randoms presents because they love me, while my own family is ignoring me because…?
Disclaimer: all names have been changed for the persons privacy.
I Ghosted My Best Friend
I’m not proud of it and none of this is meant to be an excuse, just a story hoping that if someone else is in a similar situation it can help them make decisions before it gets too late.
We met in high school. She was older than me and I thought she was the cool kid. And she was. She always had money, her parents didn’t care where she was, and her cell phone had unlimited data (a rarity in 2011).
We were in marching band together, and the first time I really knew that we were friends was on our way home from our trip to Washington D.C. We were on the same bus but she was a few rows back from me. When we were about 5 hours from home, she came up and sat on the floor next to me and we talked and played games until we pulled into the high school.
She would pick me up and we would go driving. We had more than one near death experience and ate A LOT of Cherry Berry. When she was a senior she told me that she FINALLY hooked up with the guy she had a crush on forever.
After she graduated, I visited her dorm room and finally knew where I wanted to go to school. She was still hooking up with that guy, it took a while for them to be “official”.
My parents got divorced that year, and because of the traumatizing circumstances, it really brought me and “Ashley” closer. Her sophomore year of college she lived in an apartment with a girl she hated, and I was a freshman living in a dorm with a girl I hated. She got along with my new friends too but it was kind of hard because she was living off campus and working.
The next year I moved in to the apartment with her and we spent our nights watching Harry Potter and doing homework at the kitchen table. Sometimes we were really productive and sometimes we weren’t. But we passed, we used my fake ID to drink wine and Nick (the boy from before) would come visit every once in a while.
There’s something I should tell you about Nick. He did (and definitely still does) heroine. I was never ok with this, but I never really had any reasons to not like him other than that. He said he wasn’t an addict and it wasn’t affecting his life.
I knew it, but I loved her. She was my best friend.
He stood her up.
Changed their plans at the last second.
Made her cry and took her anxiety to the next level.
Was too high to drive down for New Years so she had to go up there.
Then he OD’d.
He spent a ridiculously short amount of time in rehab. She said she wouldn’t take him back until he was sober.
Now she was in Law School.
And he got arrested. Now he went to rehab and stayed there.
It had been almost eight years of me avoiding her boyfriend. And telling her my true opinions. So I gave her an ultimatum.
Him or me.
She chose me.
A few weeks into rehab, she went to visit.
And then she was visiting every time she could.
Then she came to meet my new boyfriend. My first boyfriend ever. And couldn’t be bothered to talk to him. She spent the first hour on her phone, and the next ordering pizza that ended up never coming. BF went to bed and she ended up leaving to go get her pizza.
That was the last time I ever saw her. We have only talked once since, when I tried to see what she thought of BF and why she had acted like that. She spent and hour blaming me for her behaviour.
This doesn’t recount the times where my family told me they didn’t want me around her, the holidays she ruined, or the many times I worried and honestly still do, that Nick was dead with a needle in his arm and had dragged her down with him.
When you want your special day to be just about you (and maybe a few loved ones) you do an elopement! Choose your own adventure with any location in Minnesota included at no charge! Travel is my adventure so if you want to go out into the world I will be the best third wheel ever!
Coverage starts at 2-hours and can increase to fit your needs!
I generally deliver 25-35 photos per hour of shooting and will deliver retouched photos through an online gallery with a print release. I also have printing options through my Shootproof website!
Each elopement is YOUnique so please contact me for planning a pricing information!
*Add on an engagement session for a reduced session fee!
Your family is SO special and here at Jade Florence Photography you are more than just a number. Let me help you capture the most precious moments.
You choose where we take pictures! In your home, at your favorite local park or we can find something together to best serve your family.
Invest with $300 for 2-8 people (pets welcome, and they don’t “count” in your person count). In 60-90 minutes we will capture 25-35 photos worthy of hanging on your walls. Do you have a concept in mind? Let us make it work!
Add more people for $25 each and another location for $50.
Photos will be delivered through an online gallery and you will receive a photo release letting you download and print as you please! I also have an online store where you can purchase prints though me.
You are more than just a number and every Senior, with their unique personality deserves a YOUnique session to show off your personality!
I offer two main types of sessions, but I am always willing to work something out that will be best for both of us!
Your Day: You get to choose two locations within 50 miles of Minneapolis, MN (if you want to go further just ask! We can work something out). We can turn on some music or spend the whole time talking about you! 60-90 minutes of shooting time will give you 25-35 retouched photos that you can treasure forever. Invest $300 and get an online gallery with print release. You can also choose to print through me on Shootproof!
Multi-Mini: The most fun and value for your money! Three mini-sessions spread throughout the year will give you an array of styles and outfits to commemorate your Senior Year! The first session should be scheduled the summer before Senior Year so we can get your favorite into the yearbook on time. After that it’s up to you! Do you want to be seen in an apple orchard? Do an ice skating shoot? A BFF shoot wearing the your future school colors? The options stop at your imagination. Invest $350 in three mini-sessions and get three 30-minute sessions at any locations within 50 miles of Minneapolis, MN (if you want to go further just ask! We can work something out). You will get 10-15 photos from each session on an online gallery with print release. You can also choose to print through me on Shootproof!